Of Pretty Blondes and Drag Queens
by liekomfgits kate
Summary: Oneshot. Featuring Draco and Paranoid!Harry. Takes place after Of Letters and Rubber Ducks. Harry rambles about girls, Draco Malfoy, and how Blaise is out to get him in a letter to Sirius. HPGD.


**A/N**: Now it's Harry's turn to be a bit OOC. It's a letter to Sirius, or more a rambling note to Sirius.  
**Disclaimer**: Again, I do not own Harry Potter and Co. That's J.K. and I make no money so please don't sue!

It's that stupid dance. It's all the dance's fault. The reason why I'm on the front page of every bloody paper in the whole three mile area. The reason all these stupid witches stare and giggle at me.

It's actually all Draco's fault. And Hagrid's. I hate them. A lot.

Of course, you're wondering what the hell the famous Harry-fuckin'-Potter is rambling on about now. Surely the Dark Lord is gone and he can retire in peace, that whole bit, right? Well that's what I hoped as well.

It started with the letter. The stupid fucking owl from Zabini, telling me to stay away from Hermione or else. After that, Hermione herself owled to inform me that Blaise, as she calls him, is her new boyfriend. Well great. She also invited me to the bloody dance.

It's no wonder I've been smoking so much lately. To think I've been trying to quit, yeah right. I would probably commit myself to St. Mungo's, if it weren't for my lovely cancer sticks. I can't call them fags, not after the fiasco that was the dance. But actually, one good thing occurred, and it's that one good thing that I am trying to tell you.

Of course, you need to know the background. Sirius, I wish you were here for me to actually give this to you. Really, I miss you so much, and you would have laughed at my misfortune.

So I owled Ron and it turns out he was invited as well, AND he already had a date. Who? you might ask and I will surely explain. Pansy bleeding Parkinson is my best mate's girl to the ball. Yeah, the cow, that horrible piece of womanly horror is his DATE. They met, or so they say, at a stupid meeting for Ron's stupid job. But it's all lies. It's a set-up by Zabini himself. He never got over the fact that Hermione and I dated, HOWEVER BRIEFLY (it lasted for a day!) and he's out to get me.

He turned my girlfriend into a lesbian. Yes. Isn't that cruel? I got back to the flat late one night and come in to see my loving girlfriend of a year, Lavender (don't ask) and what do I find? She is in bed, OUR bed, with PARVATI of all people. Tells me she can't see me anymore, she's in love, she didn't know about the whole, erm, liking women thing, that she wishes me well, all that crap.

And then she leaves me.

So now I need a date. I tried asking everyone I saw, I even sunk so low as to ask Ginny. And we haven't really spoken since I killed Voldemort and told her I needed someone more. She was, of course, going with Dean Thomas, bloody wanker he is.

Bitch. She never got over that. I wonder how much Zabini paid her.

I told her that and got a Bat-Bogey Hex to the eye for my troubles.

Luna was already going as well – with Neville. Draco laughed for hours when I told him this. Oh, yes, Sirius, I am on friendly sort of terms with Ferret Boy now. Since he reports to me, daily, and we've done several missions together, that and we live together to save rent. Of course, I got the Auror job, and moved up rather fast. I'm sure Mum and Dad woulda been proud, and I hope you are too. Remus just said, "I knew it," and then drank himself silly at the little celebration we had.

Draco wasn't going to go to the ball at all, but at the last second he decided to go.

I was getting desperate now. I mean, I had asked everyone, even Eloise Midgen, who doesn't look that bad anymore; her nose is more or less center. Draco was going with Padma Patil, and that made me ill, because she looks just like her gay sister.

Don't get me wrong, I am no homophobe. Honestly, I love them. They're awesome. Except when they leave you.

Hermione had warned me about Hagrid and Dumbledore's matchmaking company, and so I haven't answered either of their owls, in fact, I owl-napped them. They're probably having a threesome with Hedwig – everyone's getting some except me.

I still haven't sent them back, and I rather think Hedwig would be depressed anyhow.

Finally, Draco promised to talk to a girl at work, some secretary he met or other. He smirked, but this didn't phase me, because, well, he's a Slytherin, and a prat, and he always smirks. Like Zabini, actually, two of a kind they are. I shouldn't have trusted him, because of Draco (probably paid off by fucking Zabini) I am the laughing-stock of the Wizarding World.

Anyways, I was horribly desperate and agreed. He came back a few hours later and said she would meet me at our flat an hour before.

Ron was excited; Bill would be there, since Fleur had gotten an invite. Being a Champion and all, and always being welcome, some drivel like that. Viktor declined – I don't think he ever got over Hermione.

We Floo-ed there, since the la femmes of the party were in fancy dresses and flying wasn't an option, although getting covered in soot apparently is the new rage. Her name was Amanda, and she was lovely, a 10 in my book. Tall and slender, silvery blonde hair, and an interesting voice.

We got to the ball alright and split up. Zabini gave Amanda an odd look, and suddenly turned red. I ignored him, waved to Hermione and introduced her to Bill and Fleur, who shook her long hair and fluttered her eyelashes at me. Then she leaned toward Bill and whispered something to him. They laughed, and we left.

"Do you want to dance?" Amanda asked, and I nervously accepted, because, well, I am still a terrible dancer.

She was excellent, and ended up leading most of the time. I was enchanted by her, honestly Siri. You would have liked "her" a lot – she liked Quidditch as well, which was a plus. So I figured it would be alright to, you know, kiss her, or even snog a bit. I mean, cut me some slack, I had been ditched for another girl!

She freaked out. Shook her head, gray eyes all wide, and stuttered, "Um, Harry, you're nice and all…but-" She turned her head and I tried to kiss that graceful neck of hers and once again, she nearly panicked.

"I think I'll go to the loo and straighten up a bit."

Hagrid ambled over and grinned cheerily at me. "So how's your date?"

"Oh, she doesn't seem into me."

Hagrid winked at me, and said, "Well, you must have done something, my lad."

"Well…I was a bit forward…"

I waved at him, distracted, and wandered off. YES. That was it; she probably thought I was just a womanizing jerk. I scanned the room, and found her sitting by herself on a bench next to a wall.

"Look, I'm so sorry, I don't want you to think I'm a jerk," I said, in a rush,

"Harry?" she said, looking up at me with bright blue eyes. I blinked. Nope, still blue. Hmm…I figured it must have been the lighting in the damn place. And her voice was different, higher pitched.

"Yeah, I hope you forgive me."

"Well…I suppose." She stood up and seemed shorter than she had been before. I took her hand in mine, and it was so small and fragile. She was thinner than I thought. Her hair was luminous though, I loved it. She followed me out in the crowd and agreed to dance with me. However, she wasn't as good as she was before, and she seemed nervous.

I was too, if you must know.

It was a slow song now, and I thought maybe things would be better. "I would like very much to kiss you," I informed her.

Her face lit up and she smiled happily. "I would be thrilled to oblige you, Sir," she said, mock bowing.

I leaned closer and then…it was brilliant, beautiful, the best thing ever, I loved her, I wanted her, it made me warm inside…when suddenly I felt a tap on my shoulder. We separated, and there was Amanda staring at me. "Oh, Merlin."

"Harry? I guess I should tell you something…" her voice sounded so familiar now.

"She" pulled off the long blonde wig, and the false eyelashes, and it was Draco. Draco-sodding-Malfoy, dressed in drag, because he felt bad for me. Draco-fucking-Malfoy who had humiliated me. I could barely see for all the flashes in my eyes. My thoughts flew towards the girl. Who was I kissing? I turned blindly, furious at the fact that they all knew. THEY ALL KNEW, SIRIUS.

She was outside, sobbing. I knelt by her and touched her shoulder lightly and she started. "OH," she gasped, "Oh, I should go…my sister…"

"Wait. I didn't know you weren't-"

"I should get insi-"

"No! Can I at least know your name?"

Her pretty face fell even more. "You don't remember me?" she said, breathlessly.

Oh shit.

Oh shit.

Oh fucking shit.

I knew her? I'm pretty certain I would have remembered a face like THAT. I racked my brain for a name, for anything. Nothing.

She looked crestfallen. "Gabriella, ma cher, where were you?"

We both turned, startled by the voice. It was Fleur, with Bill in tow. I knew who she was. Fleur's younger sister. The girl who I had "saved" during the Second Task. She was so little then, so tiny. And now, she was older, obviously, and very lovely, a proper 18 year old woman.

And I sound like an utter prat, harping on like this.

"Gabrielle?"

"Yes?" she whispered, looking at me.

"I'm always in the news," I told her.

"I know." She responded gravely. "I know, but Harry, oh! I've fancied you since that day. I thought you were so brave!"

"It won't be easy."

"I don't care, we could make it work."

I smiled. "Everyone probably thinks I'm gay, thanks to Draco."

She grinned back, "Well I know the truth, hmm?"

"How about we go somewhere else?"

"That sounds lovely!" I led her through the crowd as she called something to Fleur, who was smiling at us. As we passed Hagrid, I gave him a wave, and he waved back, positively beaming.

So you see, Sirius, I think you would be quite proud indeed.


End file.
